1. i rush when it comes to conversations. it started when i was 12 when i thought i had no importance whatsoever. my thoughts justified this actions as no one would want to know how a boring person’s day went or talk to mute kid aka. a blank wall. thankfully, since then i have found confidence locked in a dusty box in my body. but i fear that my vulnerability has found shelter in habits and i just cant help it anymore if my body resets back to that setting.
2. in fact, i rush with too many things. i rush my creativity, expecting the spark to magically expand into this song/poem as soon as i start working on it. but it just does not work that way. there is no time for that idea to marinate in the stage of wonder and potential.
3. this leads to my mind blocking out every success ive had to focus on my failures instead. forget the times ive been proud of myself. no, that was a thing of the past and is not me currently so can’t ever be me again. this is not healthy. this spirals into a feeling of emptyness which deepens my issue of creativity.
4. i know nights are not good for me. yet i continue to stay up when im not supposed to. i feel this shadow slowly inch towards me throughout the day, waiting for the lights to go off so its shadow can finally be invisible. and i just sit and watch. watch this dreaded feeling start to rip my mind apart. and there is nothing i can do except to wait for the sun to come back up and keep me safe for another flicker of time.
5. i often forget the year we’re in and i like to take that as my unconscious protest against the constraints of time. i dont believe that time just comes and goes. if it were like that then why did i see remorse in your eyes when i first met you?
6. im a paradox. my words are oxymorons, my actions are juxtapositions, my body is a beautiful mess. im never quite sure what my natural state is as it wholly depends on the time of day (refer back to point 4). for i could be this angel singing her worries away when her world crumbles or i could be this mass of dreaded death unconsciously inflicting pain with no reason at all. i know im a paradox but i havent allowed myself to quite know it yet.
R // 30.12.16 // 9:23pm
it’s important to reflect on yourself every once in a while. this is on “tea after dawn,” a collab project with a friend. check it out if you want. we’re still working on the visual appeal of it.
